Thursday, February 6, 2014
Why is it so hard to find articles about homeschool moms that are tired and want to quit? For a number of reasons I think; Most of us (me) are too stubborn to give up; usually with me, the Lord resolves my anxieties before I can complain about them. It could be pride, but I think more-- a resolve to do what we are called to do even when it stinks.
I am coming out of a season where all I was seeing was my failures. It happens regularly actually. The responsibility we moms place on ourselves can become a mountain, plus the expectations I heap upon myself are my undoing at times. My mind can become a trap of fear, worry, stress...This is not what the home school dream was supposed to be! I've already shared a little about my unrealistic ideas of what I thought it should be (The Homeschool Crisis). After the honeymoon of homeschooling is over the drudgery sets in and its down right stressful at times. Its been so comforting to talk to other moms and know I am not the only one.
People ask me how homeschooling is going, I smile and say, 'It's the hardest thing I've ever done'. It's true. God has stretched me and squashed me and had me on my face before him in desperation. Maybe that's why he has called me to homeschooling not just for the kids growth, but for mine as well; so I can learn to be a little more patient, a little more longsuffering,... a little more loving .
A month ago a special friend of mine who was a huge encouragement and one of the women who I looked up to and made the biggest impact in my decisions to home school and keep homeschooling went to heaven. That week my emotions were high, the battle raged with the kids being unwilling and the will to home school died in my heart.
We actually did what I have threatened many times and called the local Christian school to inquire about enrollment. At first I was relieved and glad. I wouldn't have the worry anymore if I'm actually succeeding, I wouldn't have to plan anymore or be so stressed about it all but it was quickly replaced with what felt as if my heart would rip out of my chest with grief and I couldn't sleep. Was I being prideful? I had to really examine myself. After long night of prayer God gave me these following verses first thing in the morning:
2 Corinthians 6 3 We give no offense in anything, that our ministry may not be blamed. 4 But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, 5 in stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings;...
The first thing that struck me was that I was blaming homeschooling (verse 3), rather then the root of the problem. I looked up the word commend from verse 4 and the definition is: to commit, to entrust or give in charge--to deposit what belongs to one, into the hands of another. God was reminding me that he has paced these kids of his into my hands, and this is the ministry he has given me. The writer, Paul, was called to the preach and he didn't give up because of these things. The other half of 4 and the next verse is pretty self explanatory-- Life is never easy and we as moms are going to go through a lot no matter what we do. I remembered the words of my wise friend, who had just recently left this world, who told me another time I was contemplating public school, "Well, whatever you choose, you'll just be replacing one problem for another."
I stopped reading there, "Okay, God I'm hearing you, you've called me and I wont give up because I'm having a bad few weeks,..... but how am I supposed to accomplish this??!?", and I went back to reading...
6 by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, 7 by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, 8 by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report.
"Wow", I had let the armor down, I wasn't loving, kind, or led by the Holy Spirit, not led by his word, or pureness, not even by knowledge-- and definitely not longsuffering!
Then verse 8 confirms that even if people speak ill of what we have chosen, he has still called us.
I was so excited! I called my good friend and homeschooling prayer partner at My Life in Crumbs. She had been praying and had a similar word from the Lord for me--right from the same book!
2 Corinthians 4:1Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. ... 7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
So we continue, it may not be all sunshine and roses but at least I know God is faithful to answer and equip us. We will not lose heart!